


all that i long for

by corset



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: F/M, content warning: ableist language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-08 08:32:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5490623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corset/pseuds/corset
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The cleric is the sweetest and most honest person Adrien has ever met - if only he knew who she was behind the screen. alternately; the MMORPG AU nobody actually asked for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	all that i long for

To call the kingdom of Nespar enchanting is an understatement. The sun shines brightly across the land, accentuating the verdurous hues of the grass, the leafy emeralds of the trees, the shining viridian of the seas, the pale sapphires of the skies, the never-ending rainbow of the flowers that bud up across its domain. The villages are quaint, full of life, mirth and laughter. The cities are beautiful with their stark white stone castles and towers, marketplaces full of odds and ends - each stall offering something for everybody.

Nespar is more than just beautiful; it’s a home. The Nesparians are usually kind and thoughtful, offering food and shelter to anyone who entered their homes, asking for nothing but small favors in return. A few would ask for more difficult tasks, but always make sure that their rewards are more than ample. 

It’s a kingdom full of warrior spirit and magic - clerics, mages, rangers, and close-combat fighters are all welcomed into its walls and loved by its people.

But how could they not be? The people need them; they desperately crave protection from the monsters, the akumas that roamed the wilderness and would seem to reappear a few moments after one had been slaughtered. A vicious cycle, but there’s a plethora of fighters willing to take on the challenge, to become stronger, to help the Nesparians and become the best they can be.

Nespar is a kingdom like no other; unfortunately, it’s not real. Not in the physical sense.

A fact that Marinette often found herself aching over - it would be so, so wonderful if she could truly escape into the world that charmed its way into her heart.

She remembers stumbling upon the game ages ago, she’d accidentally clicked the ad while idly browsing the web one night. She instantly fell in love with the artwork and the possibilities for character customization. Three hours later, she’d had it downloaded and managed to finalize a look for her character. It was all downhill from there - while the community isn’t always the best, she has so much fun defeating akuma for quests and learning about the lore though the NPCs.

Nespar is her home away from a home, a secret all her own. Her other life, unbeknownst to even her family and her best friend in all the world. She wants to tell them, she does, but it’ll break her heart in two to hear the judgement she’s sure she’ll hear in their voices.

How can she explain the wonder of the lore, the kindness of the NPCs? How can she explain how hard she’s worked to become one of the top ten clerics - an amazing feat in general, even more amazing as a free-to-play player. How can she explain the sheer joy she got from the pixelated land? How can she explain that the only comparable feelings are being near her crush, or when she’s winning a Gabriel Agreste design contest? How can she explain that as much as she loves her life - and she does, she truly does - it It sounds silly even to her when she thinks about it too much, so how could she tell someone else?

xxx

_luckylittlebug is online._

> good evening, my lady! i was hoping you might log on today.

Marinette sighs to herself. It’s her own kindness that has gotten her into this mess; she has a penchant for helping new players when she sees others teasing them, attempting to scare them away from the game. Nespar’s a free game that anyone can play, she doesn’’t understand why some players act like it is a Top Secret Clubhouse that only certain folks are allowed to enter. It’s unfair, she always felt every new player should be welcomed with warmth and cheery messages

Seeing phrases like “n00b” tossed around like poison made her irrevocably angry, everyone was new to the game at some point! When she isn’t doing something in her real life, or off on a gallant quest - she heads to the starting town with basic armor and a few pieces of food that she gives to newer players. Nespar is downright _amazing_ , and she doesn’t want a few rude players to ruin someone’s chances at discovering that.

Almost a year ago - in about a week it would be exactly a year, a fact he refuses to let her forget - she’d stumbled upon the player luckless_chat, a close-combat fighter.

Had she know she was adopting a stray, she would’ve ignored the guy. (That was a lie - Chat’s a good person, and she knows he means well. In all honesty - she’s very impressed by him; even though she’s been a part of Nespar for much longer than she has, he levelled up eerily quick after joining and quickly matched her own skill. She doesn’t like to think about the implications it means for his home life, but she does appreciate that he is a worthy partner for group quests. 

She just really wishes he would stop being such a flirt.)

> And I was hoping you wouldn’t! :P

> wow! that’s purr-ty rude!

> I want you to know I literally just rolled my eyes at that.  
> Your puns are simply awful.

> i think you mean pawful.

> No, I really don’t.  
> At least you admit they’re terrible!  
> Anyway, I only came online to do my dailies.  
> I have homework to do and a big test coming up.  
> But I’ll definitely hang around next week, ok? 

> i’ll be looking forward to it, my lady. =^u^=

_luckylittlebug is offline._

xxx

Adrien knows he’s a fool.

He’s fallen deep, deep into an agonizing love for the person behind the avatar of luckylittlebug. Who is she? (Or he? Or them? Adrien can’t even know for certain if his lady is, well, a lady. But he doesn’t care - his feelings are much too strong to be gendered.) Who is the person on the other side of the screen - what’s her voice like? Is her hair soft? He has a feeling it must be so. He imagines her with bright and shining blue eyes and a beaming smile. Even if that picture is wrong, though, he’ll still love her. 

He knows nothing about her, nothing beyond the persona she projects in her time at Nespar. Yet, he can’t help but feel that it’s really _her_ , there’s no faking that sort of generosity or signature snark. Whoever she is, she’s gone and stolen his heart away, tied it up in strings and claimed it as her own. She keeps trying to hand it back to him, but it’s far too late for that. He never stood a chance.

Marinette knows she’s a fool.

She can stare at the back of his beautiful head - with hair so fine that spiders must have spun it with delicate care and gossamer in gold - in class as long as she wants to, but it’s not going to change a single thing. It won’t change the way she loses her breath when she tries to talk to him, the way her heart crumbles, the way she loses her grip on reality and he words simply _fail_. No, simply staring will never get her anywhere.

Sometimes she worries that what she sees as Adrien is an image she’s built up in her head. He’s kind, he’s gorgeous, he’s patient. What else does she really know about him? She could go on for hours about the peridot green of his eyes, the subtle smiles he gives, information she’s picked up from his interviews - but nothing substantial. But it doesn’t matter. She’s hopelessly infatuated, devoted even. Nothing she tells herself can talk herself out of her feelings.

xxx

_luckless_chat is online._

> Hi, Chat.

> hello, my lady!

> I have a name, you know.

> yeah a name you won’t tell me

> I know, I know.  
> I’m just messing with you!  
> It’s not like I know you your name, either.

> i would tell you in a heartbeat if you asked

> I know.

Marinette would be lying to herself if she claimed she isn’t interested in knowing the truth. There had been so many chances for the duo to tell each other their names, to be a little more friendly than usernames. Yet, she felt as though there was some sort of magic in _not_ knowing. Knowing each other’s names, she had a feeling it would make it all too real. They wouldn’t be cleric and fighter anymore, no, they’d be _real people_. She knows that she’s not ready to handle that.

Adrien wants so, so badly to tell her his name. He aches to reveal more of himself to her, to let her know who he is. (Partially in hopes that she’ll follow his lead, mostly because he wants her to know that he is _real_ , he is _here_.) But time and time again, she says no. He knows he has the opportunity ignore her, type out those six familiar letters - _adrien. my name is adrien._ \- but it wouldn’t be the same, it wouldn’t be right. Not if she doesn’t want to know, he respects her far too much for that.

> i know it’s useless to say this but  
> i just really wish you’d let me in  
> give me even a syllable of your name  
> trust me, like i trust you

> I _do_ trust you.  
> A lot.  
> It’s just… I can’t.  
> I’m so sorry.

_luckylittlebug is offline._

Adrien’s yearning heart shatters just a little bit further every interaction, but he cannot stop himself.

xxx

_luckless_chat is online._

> Chaaaat!

> are you feline ok? you seem exceptionally happy to see me today

> Silly kitty.  
> I told you I wouldn’t forgot that this is the one year anniversary of when we met.  
> Open up your trade window so I can give you your gift.  
> And don’t you _dare_ try to refuse it.

> [luckylittlebug wants to trade with luckless_chat.]  
> [trade request accepted.]  
> [trade completed.]

> !!! omg  
> is this  
> are you srs  
> is this what i think it is

> You can read an item description, can’t you?

> well yeah  
> wow tho  
> this is purrfect  
> how did you even FIND this

> I have my sources!

> are you sure you don’t want this for yourself  
> i mean  
> whoa

> Calm down!  
> It’s really not a big deal.  
> Also, I’m a cleric. It’s useless to me. 

> getting me the Actual Rarest and most powerful knuckles for any player ever is no big deal to you?

> Okay, maybe it’s a little bit of a big deal?  
> I just wanted to show you how much I appreciate you.  
> You _are_ important to me.  
  
> i  
> thank you, my lady  
> you don’t know what this means to me  
> you really don’t

> You’re welcome. :)

> i have a present for you too but  
> it’s not going to be complete until tomorrow  
> so you’ll have to wait until then.

> Ooh, how cryptic.  
> Now shush and let’s go questing!! Break in those new knuckles of yours.

Adrien’s heart pounds, faster and faster throughout the whole interaction. _She got him the rarest knuckles in the entirety of Nespar_. He can’t even begin to imagine what she went through to get them - aren’t they a 1% drop rate from one of the most difficult to defeat dragons? How many virtual battles did she have to go through to obtain it? 

She cares about him - she really, really cares about him; it strikes a lovely note in his heart. She spends a lot of time teasing him, sassing him, _rejecting_ him. He is constantly filled with a worry that she’s only a nerve away from blocking him and never talking to him. The gift ignites a hope in his heart - a small hope, but a hope.

They quest together for the rest of the night - almost until daybreak, thank _goodness_ for weekends - laughing (at least he is, he hopes she is too) and joking and fighting and destroying akumas. They level up within seconds of each other and he swears it was meant to be.

xxx

_luckylittlebug is online._

> WHAT  
> THE  
> HELL

> ah, i take it you got my present?  
> isn’t it the cat’s meow?  
> you’re welcome

> I can’t believe you!  
> I’m grateful but I wouldn’t have let you do this had I known.

> that’s why it was a surprise!

> You’re acting very nonchalant about this.

> it’s not a huge deal.

> Chat.  
> Don’t you _dare_ pull that on me.  
> You can’t just _buy me a year-long membership_ and act like it’s _nothing_

> shrug

> This is like fifty euros!!  
> That’s a lot of money!

> are you upset with me?  
> :(((

> Upset?  
> No. I don’t want you to think that.  
> I’m just shocked that you would spend so much actual money on me.

> you mean so much more than me than fifty measley euros  
> also i got myself a membership too  
> so we could explore the pay-to-play areas together.

> That’s really sweet. You sly piece of crap.  
> …  
> …….. <3

> ooh, a heart?  
> do my eyes deceive me?

> It’s a friend heart.  
> Now, are you going to explore the elusive membership world of Nespar with me, or not?

xxx

“I’m so sorry, Marinette. I like someone else.”

“T-that’s ok! Um. I. Thank you. For being me. I mean, being honest with me! Bye!”

Marinette tells herself that she can handle this, that it’s fine, it’s going to be okay. What had she been expecting by confessing to Adrien? Alya had said the worst he could do was say no. What Alya hadn’t told her was how terrible a “no: would feel. She feels like her heart has been torn from her chest, smashed and pulverized until there was nothing left.

She goes home in tears.  
She doesn’t eat dinner.  
She cries herself to sleep.

Adrien cannot help but feel awful. Marinette’s a great person, from what he sees in class - she’s kind, she’s brave, she’s confident enough to stand up against the bullies of the class. She’s cute, too, adorable even - he is not too far in his own thoughts that he can’t notice that. Yet she’s no _luckylittlebug_ , he can’t bring himself to say ‘Let’s give it a shot!’ to someone he feels no emotional connection with. He can’t, and it kills him inside when he sees the tears outlining the rim of Marinette’s wonderful blues. 

He asks himself if it was worth it for someone he has never seen.  
For someone who may never reciprocate how he feels.  
He asks himself it was worth it, but he knows he wouldn’t change a thing.

xxx

_luckylittlebug is online._

> my lady!!

> Hi.

> are you alright?

> I’m fine.  
> Why do you ask?

> you haven’t been on at all in two weeks  
> that’s the longest time you’ve been away since i’ve known you  
> i’m worried about you

> Wow.  
> It’s really been two weeks?  
> It feels like it was yesterday…

> you’re clearly upset!!  
> i’m a really good listener if you need to chat  
> with a chat

> I actually smiled at that one.

> good!  
> but don’t ignore the topic at hand, my lady  
> if you don’t want to talk just tell me and i will respect that

> I want to tell you… but...  
> I’m worried it’s going to upset you, too.

> i don’t care

> Are you sure?

> pawsitive.

> Alright…  
> I confessed to my crush at school.  
> He turned me down.

Her _crush_. Adrien feels a pang in his chest; he knew that she had a life all her own, a life completely separate from him. It didn’t ease the unimaginable hurt to know that someone out there has stolen her heart. Had she never mentioned it before for his sake? Because she liked to keep their lives separate? Both? It hurts him more, though, to know that someone has broken her heart - he’s positive that she’s beautiful and wonderful in person, how can she not be? So why would some fool reject her?

Marinette doesn’t know why she is opening up so much - perhaps it’s the attitude of knowing she’s quitting, perhaps it finally feels to time to bring her lives together - but it feels freeing. She hasn’t even talked to Alya recently, only sobbed. Why was she such a dolt that she couldn’t even tell one of her very best friends in the entire world about everything, _everything_ that was wrong? She knew what she had to do, though.

> what!  
> i’ll fight him.

> I wasn’t done, Chat!  
> I’ve been thinking about quitting Nespar.  
> I know you’re probably over by your keyboard too shocked to say anything.  
> But as much as I love this world  
> and hanging out with you  
> I just don’t know if I can do it anymore?

Adrien’s breath hitches as he reads, air leaving his lungs. He wants so badly for her to stay, to keep coming back - is she going to be just another person who betrays him? Leaves him like his mom (unfair to think, he knows - it’s not her fault that she passed away)? Makes empty promises like his father? Quiet tears drip down his face, fingers tremble against his keyboard as he tries to maintain his composure.

>...  
> obviously i would never try to stop you in making a decision like that  
> as much as it would hurt me  
> it’s your life to live, not mine  
> but can i ask you a question  
> why?  
> why can’t you do it anymore?

> That’s two questions, silly.  
> Anyway, I’ve just been thinking a lot.  
> I spend so much of my time here  
> But what good does it do me?  
> I’m so happy for all the fun time but  
> I’m such a nobody in my real life.  
> Shouldn’t I be working harder to be somebody?

> i don’t believe that you’re a nobody for a second  
> i’m sure you do some great things  
> what do you do outside of nespar, anyway?  
> i understand you like to keep these lives separate but  
> i always wanted to know

Marinette knows her decision is hurting him, she can feel it - even though he could be hundreds, thousands of miles away. She swears she can hear his heart breaking despite the distance, and she knows it’s her fault. She feels so, so guilty - but doesn’t he deserve honesty? It’s better to let him know in advance rather than to just stop logging on all together one day.

> ….  
> Hmm.  
> Well…. if I’m going to quit, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to tell you?  
> I like to design, I want to be a designer someday.  
> I’ve even won a few design contests!  
> Which was really cool.  
> And I’m my class president, but I only really ran so that a bully wouldn’t win.  
> I’m really nothing special, and I have like, one actual friend (besides you).

> my lady  
> you’re amazing  
> i really mean it  
> i know you always think i’m insincere, but i’m not  
> i knew you were kind from the moment we met  
> not just because you gave me free things, but because you’re a cleric  
> which is like the nicest class ever cos you heal others  
> but hearing you talk about how you literally ran for class president so it wouldn’t be a bully instead  
> that’s so selfless  
> and you are wonderfully creative  
> you say you’re nothing special but winning a design contest must be a big deal!  
> (and you’re something special to me)

> Thank you.  
> I’m going to be back a few more times before leaving, but thank you.

_luckylittlebug is offline._

She’s going to miss him when she leaves for good.

xxx

_luckless_chat is online._

> hi, my lady.

> Hi Chat.

> is this your last day? :/

> Honestly?  
> I think it might be.  
> It just doesn’t feel right anymore.

> ok well there’s something i really want you to know  
> before you go  
> and you probably figured it out already? maybe?  
> and it’s really hard for me to even type it but i’m gonna do it anyway  
> you deserve to know, really  
> that uh  
> well  
> i don’t even know your name but you’re one of the most important people in my whole life  
> and i know you don’t feel the same but  
> i love you.  
> i really, really love you.  
> like i’m in love with you  
> not just a friend love

Marinette cries. She knew. She’s known for months now, but she ignored it. She didn’t want to see him say it, she still doesn’t want to. It’s too real, crossing the boundaries she spent their entire friendship creating. She wants to keep up the lie. Without it, how can she keep convincing herself that she never felt anything but friendship? Of course she still has her crush on Adrien, but it doesn’t protect her heart from her feelings towards Chat.

Some folks can make relationships like theirs work, but she knows she can’t. Marinette is a very affectionate person, she craves hugs and hand-holds and chaste kisses under the moonlight. Her crush on Adrien is tangible; she can see him, she can imagine holding him. Chat is nothing but an avatar and words on her screen.

This, she reminds herself, is why she must quit. 

> Stop it, Chat.  
> You don’t even know me.  
> Everything I told you the other day could be a lie.  
> I could be a real-life murderer behind this screen  
> Or worse!  
> One of those people your parents warn you about.

> if that was the case, why haven’t you tried to lure me into your room yet, hmmm? ;)  
> besides, you say that like my paren _t_ cares

>....  
> I’m sorry. 

> it’s not your fault  
> let’s not talk about it  
> just remember that you’re important

> Okay, if you say so.  
> I’m going to come back tomorrow, but that’s it. For now, goodnight.

_luckylittlebug is offline._

Adrien frowns. He wasn’t expecting any confession of feelings in return; but he was hoping. If only, if only this whole situation could stop making his heart ache. He remembers when he joined Nespar on a whim, drawn in by the promise of enthralling fight scenes. He wishes now that he hadn’t, just to keep himself from all the misery of falling in love with someone he’s never seen. His life would be easier that way.

xxx

_luckylittlebug is online_

> This is it, Chat.  
> This is my last day.

> can i make one final request  
> before you leave me in the dust forever

> Don’t say it like that!  
> ….  
> What’s your request?

> can i see a picture of you  
> so i can see the person who stole my heart before she disappeared

> ...  
> Fine. [link]

> my lady  
> is this a picture of your pinky

> Yes.  
> You never said it had to be a picture of my face, you goof.

> i’ll treasure it forever.

> Please don’t. 

> why not? you have a cute finger

> It’s creepy, that’s why.

> can i send you a pic of me too  
> i want you to see me too

> I can’t really stop you, now can I?

> you certainly can’t. [link]

Marinette isn’t too sure what to expect when she clicks the link, but it certainly isn’t _this_. Her throat dries up, she’s eager to scream in frustration - but no sound comes out. She pounds her fists against her table, this is _sick_. How _dare_ he? What kind of a person plays a joke like this? She instantly regrets it all - the moment she met Chat is now undoubtedly the worst day of her life. If she’d known, she would have never helped him. If she'd known, she wouldn't have been so stupid to start reciprocating the feelings of a liar, a fake. If only she’d known, if only she’d known. 

She breathes in then out, in then out, in then out to regain her composure. 

> Is this some kind of sick joke to you?

> what  
> what did i do?

> Don’t play dumb with me.  
> You can’t just send me a picture of _Adrien Agreste_ and expect me to believe it’s you.  
> If you’re going to pretend to be someone you’re not, pick a photo of someone who isn’t famous?

 _Crap._ Adrien sighs to himself - how has he forgotten that he’s famous? He always feels like just Adrien around luckylittlebug. Just Adrien, just a person. Not Adrien Agreste, model. He buries his head in his hands - he’s messed it all up, and there’s no talking his way out of this one.

> :/  
> that’s really a picture of me  
> i took it like 2 minutes ago

> Don’t you dare lie to me!  
> Have you been stalking me? Did you figure out who I am behind this screen? 

> what  
> no???  
> what even makes you think that? o_o  
> i can tell you that’s not me if it makes you feel better  
> or i can prove that it’s me?  
> but i really have no idea who you are other than luckylittlebug  
> if i did i would have told you

> Stop lying to me.  
> Did you think it’d be funny, Chat? To pretend to be someone you’re not?  
> To let me open up to you? To send me a picture of the person who broke my heart?

> wait  
> what

> Newsflash: it’s not funny.

> _whaaaat_

> Goodbye. 

_luckylittlebug is offline._


End file.
